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20 Obvious Lies That Will Shock Conservatives (If They Ever Bothered To Read A Book Or Two)

March 6, 2012

Whenever conservative bloggers try to be clever and “expose” liberal myths, you just know it’s time to pull out the rain coat, ’cause there’s gonna be a whole lot of bullshit flying around. The latest example of this is John Hawkins’ “20 Obvious Truths That Will Shock Liberals” whose real title should be “20 Easily Disprovable Stories That Conservatives Chumps Buy Hook, Line & Sinker.” Let’s take a look shall we?

1) The Founding Fathers were generally religious, gun-toting small government fanatics who were so far to the Right that they’d make Ann Coulter look like Jimmy Carter. That’s nice. They also thought leeches could cure illness. Does that mean we should stop advancing medicine or building on their ideas for a better future? I’ll keep this mind the next time some gibbering buffoon demands that “original intent” be the only guide for interpreting the Constitution. The original intent of the Founders was that slavery was just fine, black people counted as only 3/5 of a man and women couldn’t vote at all. Let’s get back to basics!! Warning: you might find that women and African-Americans have some objections.

As for “small government?” Pure ignorance. They had laws dictating what kind of public behavior was acceptable and what size barrel could be used to transport food stuffs. Small government? Don’t make me laugh.

2) The greatest evil this country has ever committed isn’t slavery; it’s killing more than 50 million innocent children via abortion. Tell that to a slave. But, in reality, abortion is a very complicated issue. Far more complicated than the bumper sticker mentality of your typical conservative can process. I’ll help conservative make their case, though. All a conservative has to do to convince me that they truly consider abortion to be the murder of a human being is explain to me why they do not have a funeral for miscarriages and demand a death certificate be issued.

Good luck with that.

3) Conservatives are much more compassionate than liberals and all you have to do to prove it is look at all the studies showing that conservatives give more of their money to charity than liberals do. Only a conservative can equate money to compassion. You’re pro-death penalty, pro-war, anti-gay, anti-universal healthcare, anti-Medicare, anti-Medicaid, anti-Social Security but you give some money to a church that might use it to feed the homeless but could just as easily use it (and millions more) to deny gay couples the right to marry. Therefor, YOU are more compassionate than a liberal who wants an end to war and poverty.

hah…ahahah…ahahahahahha…bwahahahahahahaAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

(the author must take a break to catch his breath)

4) When the Founding Fathers were actually around, there were official state religions and the Bible was used as a textbook in schools. The so-called “wall of separation between church and state” has absolutely nothing to do with the Constitution and everything to do with liberal hostility to Christianity. Ah, the old “America is a religious country” bit. And to a conservative, that can only mean “Christian.” Here’s a fun fact about the Founders: to them, religious did not mean “Christian,” a very subtle nuance that seems to escape conservatives even when they read quotes from Jefferson like “Christianity neither is, nor ever was a part of the common law” or from the Treaty of Tripoli signed in 1797 that states: “As the Government of the United States of America is not in any sense founded on the Christian religion; as it has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion, or tranquillity, of Musselmen (Muslims); and as the said States never have entered into any war or act of hostility against any Mahometan nation, it is declared by the parties that no pretext arising from religious opinions shall ever produce an interruption of the harmony existing between the two countries.”

That is directly from the mouths of the people who created the country. It literally cannot be stated more clearly than that.

5) The biggest problem with our economy today is Barack Obama. His demonization of successful people, his driving up gas prices, his regulatory overload and threats to increase taxes have terrified businesses into hunkering down, refusing to spend money, and declining to hire new people. Replacing him would do more than any government policy to spur economic growth. Funny how American gas prices have mirrored the fluctuations of the world market precisely. I guess President Obama controls the entire oil market single-handedly. It’s also amazing, how, despite the fact that we’re supposed to “drill, moron, drill,” the United States is now a net oil exporter. That’s right, we sell more oil than we take in but gas prices are still going up. I have yet to meet a conservative that can honestly explain why that is. As for refusing to spend money, why is it that no conservative can ever tell me WHAT corporations should spend the money on? Hire more people to do…what? Fill demand? They’re already filling what demand there is. More employees won’t fill it any better. Despite this, the unemployment rate has steadily (if slowly) declined under Obama as opposed to skyrocketing under the conservative policies that the right pretends didn’t cause the crash in the first place.

6) Not only are conservatives more patriotic than liberals, but most American liberals “love” America in about the same way that a wife-beater loves his wife. In 2008, a black man was elected to the White House in a fair and open election. It was not a suspiciously close vote that required the conservative Supreme Court to stop a recount and give the election to the Republican candidate. The Democratic Party won a super majority in the Senate (but only for eight months) and a large majority in the House. What did the “patriotic” right do? Immediately started to scream that it wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right and they wanted their country back. The GOP (ab)used the filibuster more than any other time in history, death threats against the president spiked and right-wing militias dramatically increased in numbers, along with foiled plots to start a revolution. Right Wing politicians started talking about secession and “second amendment remedies” and Rush Limbaugh stated, publicly and repeatedly, that he hoped Obama would fail.

If THAT’S what a conservative considers “patriotism,” they’re delusional. Patriotism is more than wearing a lapel pin. It’s more than polishing your gun and swearing to shoot the first federal agent that steps foot on your land. It’s more than wrapping yourself in the flag while screaming “I hate that nigger!” at Fox News. It’s more than being against something. You have to stand for something besides your own petty little needs. Conservatives have forgotten this, if they ever knew it the first place.

7) Out of every 100 cries of “Racism” you hear these days, 99 are motivated by nothing other than politics. That would be because they are directed at Republican politicians and pundits passing around racist emails, calling President Obama a skinny little crackhead or man-child and demanding to see his “real” birth certificate because being born to an American mother and a Kenyan father magically makes you “not American” despite several past (white) presidents having a foreign national as a parent. When the Right stops using the Southern Strategy of racial resentment that they have flat out stated that are using, we’ll stop calling them racist.

8) Anyone paying income taxes is certainly paying his “fair share” — and then some — compared to the people who pay nothing. When the rich paid a 90% marginal tax rate, the rich still got richer but the economy boomed. The less the rich paid, the richer they got but the worse the economy did. So let me ask you this: How is it “fair” when the rich take the most from the economy but give less, as a percentage of their profits, than the rest of us back to that economy?

9) You don’t have a “right” to anything that other people have to pay to provide for you. Then you do not have the right to police protection, a fire department or even a 911 emergency line. You do not have the right to clean air or safe food. You do not have the right to a military to protect you from foreign invasion. You do not have the right to a single thing that is government-run. Oh? What’s that? You pay taxes so you deserve all of those things?

Exactly, you stupid bastard. If everyone else was not chipping in, i.e. “paying to provide for you,” you would not be able to afford all that nifty stuff. It’s called “socialism” and only very stupid people think they are completely self-sufficient.

10) If we can ask people to present an ID to buy alcohol, drive a car, or get on an airplane, then asking them to present identification to vote is a no-brainer. Only a conservative could debase the right to vote by comparing it to getting drunk. Liberals hold their franchise to a higher standard, apparently. Tell me again how liberals are the ones that hate what America stands for?

11) There’s absolutely nothing that the government does smarter, better, or more efficiently than the private market with roughly equivalent resources. Except be held accountable to the people of the United States of America. The conservative push to privatize everything is the rush on Lemmings going over a cliff. It is a fact that terrifies conservatives that when you add a “for profit” motive to basic necessities like health care and military contractors, the inevitable result, proven again and again, is corruption, theft of taxpayers dollars on a grand scale and reduced service. As long as the bottom line is the true goal, we, the people are a secondary consideration. Unless, of course, you want to make the argument that a multinational corporation has the best interests of the consumer in mind.

Good luck with that, too.

12) The biggest problem with education in this country is liberals. They fight vouchers, oppose merit pay, refuse to get rid of terrible teachers, and bend over backwards to keep poor kids trapped in failing schools. The Gordian Knot of education reform has so far eluded both liberals and conservatives. Guess what, though? No Child Left Behind was an abject failure. You know what else doesn’t work? Cutting school budgets in an attempt to “prove” public education doesn’t work. Vouchers haven’t provided better results but it HAS exacerbated the problem. Try again.

13) Fascism, socialism, and communism are all left-wing movements that have considerably more in common with modern liberalism than modern conservatism. Oh noes! Socialism! Communism! Fascism! Conservatives don’t know what these words mean so they lump them all together!! And they’re scary words!!! Communism is when the government controls the means of production and dictates what gets produced in what quantities. Mainstream liberals do not advocate this. Socialism (the american version, at least) is when everyone gets to enjoy the fruits of out collective labor. The interstate highway system is SOCIALISM. National monuments and parks are SOCIALISM. The public education system is SOCIALISM. Community colleges are SOCIALISM. The police and fire departments are SOCIALISM. Medicare is SOCIALISM. Social Security is SOCIALISM. My god! The word “social” is right there in the name!!!

Let me know how many of those SOCIALIST programs you’re willing to do without.

Fascism is a movement predicated on rabid nationalism (America is for REAL Americans), racism (White Power), isolationism (build the dang fence!), political violence (militias) and wars of aggression (Iraq). Now, which political movement does that sound like? Sure doesn’t sound like any liberals I’ve ever heard of!

14) The Democratic Party was behind slavery, the KKK, and Jim Crow laws. It was also the party of Margaret Sanger, George Wallace, and Bull Connor. It has ALWAYS been a racist party. Even today, white liberals support Affirmative Action and racial set-asides because they still believe black Americans are too inferior to go up against whites on an even playing field. My god! You’re right! I Agree completely. The Dixiecrats were a bunch of racist scumbags. They did fight against equal rights for blacks. Those Democrats were terrible, vile racists!

Hey, did you know, that after the signing of the Civil Rights Act, all of those racist Democrats that we just agreed were absolute scum left the Democratic Party? Yeah, they became Republicans.

History didn’t stop after the 1960s.

15) A man with good morals who falls short and becomes a hypocrite is still a far better man than a liberal who can never be called a hypocrite because he has no morals at all. And what lack of morals is that? Do liberals commit more crimes? “Blue” states, by and large, have a lower crime rate than “Red” states. Do we get divorced more often? Again, Red states outstrip Blue. Do we get pregnant at a younger (unmarried) age? Sing with me now, “Red trumps Blue!” Do liberals threaten political violence on a regular basis the way conservatives do? Nope. Who commits the most hate crimes in the country? Liberals or conservatives? Who encourages unsafe sex, thus increasing the number of abortions and the transmission of STDs? Conservatives. Who cheer the death penalty knowing, for a fact, that innocent men get executed? Conservatives. Who wanted to continue the war in Iraq that saw tens of thousands of children killed by American bombs? Conservatives.

Seriously, you think conservatives are moral? Why? Because you’re Christian and everyone knows that all liberals hate Jesus? There are serial killers out there that display a healthier set of morals than the freak show that is the Fox News audience.

16) The most dire threat to America’s future and prosperity in the last 150 years hasn’t been the Nazis, the Soviets, or Al-Qaeda;, it’s the spending and overreach of our own government. You mean the out of control spending of the Republicans? I agree! Reagan roughly tripled the deficit. Bush 42 actually tried to curb it and was punished by his own party for doing so. Clinton balanced it two years in a row and was on track to erase the national debt in a decade. Bush 44 sent the deficit into the unheard of territory of $1 trillion+ with his $700 billion tax cut, two wars and the Medicare Part D corporate giveaway. None of which were paid for or offset. We still have those tax cuts, one war (now a part of the budget like it should have been the whole time) and Medicare Part D. How is it Obama’s fault again that the deficit is outrageous?

Just as history didn’t stop in the 1960s, it also didn’t just start when Obama was sworn in. Almost 30 years of the conservative one-two punch of “cut taxes and deregulate” under the guise of “trickle down” have crushed the economy. But let’s blame the black guy!!

17) Greed isn’t someone wanting to keep more of what he earns; it’s people demanding a greater share of money that someone else earns. Greed isn’t when you want to secure the health and prosperity of others; greed is when you put your own self-interest above the good of the whole.

Conservatives have isolated themselves in a bubble of rhetoric in which no one is accountable to anyone else. That is not how a society works. It is not how human beings work. It’s not even how the Bible they claim to worship works. It is, however, how a child thinks. The right suffers from infantilism. They even throw temper tantrums when they don’t get their way in the form of the Tea Party and filibusters. Time to grow up, kiddies.

18) Most of the time in American politics, the liberal “victim” is really a bad guy who is absolutely delighted by the opportunity to pretend to be “offended.” Interesting hypothesis. Of course, you must mean that “a bad guy” is someone who has been insulted, belittled or discriminated against because of their race, religion, gender or sexual orientation. They sure are “bad guys” for taking offense! The nerve of them, wanting to be treated with respect!

On the other hand, conservatives thrive on being offended when they’re told they can’t insult, belittle or discriminate against others because of their race, religion, gender or sexual orientation.

Only a conservative could feel oppressed because they can’t inflict their hate on others.

19) Jesus Christ was not a conservative, a liberal, or a politician. He was also not a capitalist or a socialist. Still, you can say this: Jesus drew sharp lines about what’s right and wrong, he wasn’t tolerant of what the Bible categorizes as sinful behavior, and there’s absolutely no question that he would adamantly oppose abortion and gay marriage. Really? Please cite, chapter and verse, where Jesus says he is against gay marriage and abortion. While you’re struggling to find a verse you can creatively interpret to mean “protect the unborn” and “persecute fags,” here’s a few verses that clarify Jesus’ stance on capitalism as practiced by the 1%:

”Matthew 19: 23 Then said Jesus unto his disciples, Verily I say unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven. 24: And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.

“Luke 16:13 No servant can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and Mammon.

I think it’s quite clear what Jesus thought about the mindless acquisition and hoarding of wealth that is THE defining characteristic of American capitalism.

20) When you demand that other people fund your sexual escapades by buying your contraception, your sex life becomes their business. Ok, make you a deal. We’ll stop pestering insurance companies about contraception when you stop making laws against homosexuals. Think you can do that? Think you can stop making other people’s sex lives your business? No? What a shock. Conservatives are hypocrites. I never would have guessed.

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